Film Review: Meet Joe Black (1998) D-

Date Viewed: 6/22/07
Venue: HDNet

Sometimes a movie comes along that defies the very meaning of 'motion picture.' A stillborn, inert film that goes nowhere and does nothing. Meet Joe Black is just such a movie.

Death (Brad Pitt) takes human form and pays a visit to mega-rich media mogul William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins) and keeps him alive to guide Death around life on Earth. We get to meet Parrish's daughters (Marcia Gay Harden and the chick from Mallrats) and his corporate lackey (Jake Weber). While sampling the details of human life (peanut butter, is apparently a Death-fave), Death discovers love, and falls skull over calcaneus for Mallrats girl (Claire Forlani), much to daddy's dismay.

As usual, there's more to it than that (a lot more, considering a nearly three-hour run-time), but absolutely none of it is interesting in the least. It's surprising that a film about Death is so successful in making Death so boring. He's a blank slate, devoid of anything except Brad Pitt's looks. He's not even quirky, or odd (like Star Trek's Q, learning to be human), he's just, well, weird. So weird that I don't buy Ms. Mallrats falling for him, despite his looking like Brad Pitt.

Also strange is that Parrish never seems to want know anything about how Death operates. How does he get around? Does he have any other special powers? What's it like to be Death? Is anyone else filling in while Death discovers the joys of peanut butter? Nope. The only special thing we see Death do is talk Calypso with some Jamaican lady in a hospital. That's his special skill, talking Rasta.

The main culprit here is a staggering lack of conflict. Death has no agenda, no set timetable, he just wants to check things out. Corporate lackey tries to take the company away from Parrish, Parrish doesn't care too much. Only when Parrish opposes Death's love for his daughter is there any sort of tangible conflict, and by then, we're two-plus hours in and not caring anymore.

In the end, Meet Joe Black just sits there, staring back at the audience, waiting for applause. Didn't you enjoy the slow pacing? The insubstantial character development? The corporate chicanery that no one seemed to care too much about? How about the love story? Girl shagged a Brad Pitt robot, that was good, right? To hell with this movie.

You Have Selected...REGICIDE. If You Know The Name Of The King Or Queen Being Killed...PRESS ONE!

(Despite 'Sports' being the third word in this blog's title, I realize I've been remiss about posting about sports (not that I haven't been remiss about posting in general lately). So here's my first attempt at doing something of a daily sports post about the previous day's developments.)

Well, you can more or less write off the Cleveland Cavaliers, down 0-3 to Spurs, thanks to a lackluster offensive effort last night (who-hoo, they scored over 70!) and a mysterious no-call on the final play of the game. LeBron James was absolutely, unequivocally fouled by Bruce Bowen just before he took his final 3-pointer (which, like every other futile Cav 3-pointer, clanged off the rim). You'd think that in the final five seconds of a Finals game, the officials might, just might, have their eyes on whoever has the ball? But I guess not, and its sad to see King James not able to get a call that friggin' GraMaMa got back in 1999.

I admit, I'm no Cavs fan, I just strongly dislike the Spurs and their brand of boringly-solid basketball (not to mention their endless Eva cutaways). And as much as I'd like to watch the LeBron put his team on his shoulders and do the unthinkable, I'm fully aware of how much the Cavs suck. They're like a team of younger siblings who try oh-so-hard but simply aren't tall or strong enough to pull it out. Their only hope is to bow out with some dignity, and concentrate on surrounding James with some quality players (not guys who look like Sideshow Bob).

Speaking of Anderson Varejao, anyone notice the Cleveland faithful's horrified gasp when LeBron handed him the ball with ten seconds remaining? Sideshow drove awkwardly to the hoop and threw up an ugly no-look shot that banged off the backboard, but the funny thing is the crowd gasped before Varejao even made a move, like as if to say "oh please God not him! Anyone but him!" Made me laugh.

Film Review: Spider-Man 3 (2007) B

Date Viewed: 5/9/07
Venue: DGA

Let me get something off my chest: I hated Spider-Man 2. Well, I didn't hate the whole thing. I actually enjoyed whatever screentime was given to uber villain Doc Ock, but I loathed every frame of hand-wringing, angsty superhero self-questioning that Peter Parker had to endure. I want my superheroes doing super things first, self-analyzing second.

Which leads us to Spider-Man 3, which is a giant mess of intersecting plots, love interests, and bad guys. Spidey must deal with the honest criminal Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church), the alien Venom, and a new Green Goblin (James Franco), while alter-ego Peter Parker has a rival photographer (Topher Grace), ongoing problems with Mary-Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), and a new love interest in Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard).

That's a lot to keep a handle on, even in a lengthy 140 minute running time, and I can't say the film is entirely successful with the juggling act. Neither Sandman's or Venom's storylines feel fully played out, and Gwen Stacy is actually overdevelped in relation to her importance to the overall plot.

Still, there is a lot of action, which solves one of my issues with the last Spidey film. And Peter's ongoing conflict with Harry (the Green Goblin) is nicely done and their showdowns are the best parts of the film. There's also a lot of over-the-top humor with Peter's dip into his dark side (via contact with the evil alien Venom) that works well within the series' slightly lighthearted tone. And did I mention (the mighty) Bruce Campbell is back again and hilariously steals a scene as a snooty French waiter?

Spider-Man 3 is by no means a perfect movie. It's a very flawed summer sequel that, like many sequels before it, tries to cram too much into a single film. But the action set-pieces are well done, the humor is free-flowing, and I'd rather have a film try too much and fail some than do too little and bore me.